This semester, more than any other in grad school or as an undergrad, I stayed organized and on top of my work from the beginning in order to avoid that last-minute, procrastination-induced manic 96-hour writing binge the last week of the semester.

So even though I had an unexpected "pain event" that pretty much took me out of the game the secnd half of November, leaving me a little more tight on time than I would've preferred, I was able to switch back into school mode and still get things done on time.

I wrapped up one of the semester's largest projects yesterday (360-degree feedback), and I'm completely on target to finish everything else (even my incompletes from last fall) in a timely manner and without too much stress.

I know this might not seem like a big deal to some of you. But in the past, I've allowed my self-doubt to manifest as crippling procrastination. I haven't done that this time around. I've maintained confidence in my voice, in what I have to contribute to my learning community. And now I'm seeing the payoff.

It feels really good. /smile

And if you're into Christmas music half as much as my family, you really should check out Amazon's Holiday Music Store … they've got some really great stuff, way cheaper than physical CD's, and usually cheaper than iTunes.

[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001HDX0YC[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001IUMJXW[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001INGKFW[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001KPYNR0[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001J2UJ7M[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001I3SUC8[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001GTVWHE[/snip]

We didn't go out shopping yesterday … crowds suck, and prices will just drop as the holiday gets closer anyway. My parents did take advantage of Black Friday to go buy a new dishwasher on sale—I guess that counts.

I actually did do some shopping online yesterday, but again, it was mostly stuff I need/was planning on getting anyway that I just put off till yesterday for some discounts. (Specifically? Curtain rods, sheets, and some wall frames.) I suspect there's going to be a lot of that this shopping season—still an uptick in spending, but more practical than frivolous.

The only conspicuous consumerism I took part in yesterday was some music shopping on the Amazon MP3 store. They're running a somewhat irresistible promotion—50 albums for $5 each—so I picked up a couple albums I otherwise would've passed over (Coldplay, R.E.M., and the Avett Brothers). In the process, I inadvertently introduced my mom to the Amazon music store, where she promptly indulged her Christmas music addiction.

So here I offer you a taste of my family's traditional Christmas soundtrack. Some of these albums are, objectively, really pretty bad, but were hardwired into my brain as a kid; others are selections that I've picked up on my own over the years and have become part of the tradition. (I'll let you guess which ones fall into which category. /smile)

[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B00138F3Y6[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B00122FVMC[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B000V2J5CG[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B000UBJRS0[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B0012CAQCW[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B00138KD5A[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B0013KV0LE[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B001F6QVH4[/snip]
[snip Amazon MP3 Large]B000WB2E60[/snip]

We know that Christmas can change the world—we saw that 2,000 years ago. We know that we can change the world—we saw that 3 weeks ago.

So this Christmas, the Advent Conspiracy challenges us to use our power to once again revolutionize the world. How?

Worship Fully.
Spend Less.
Give More.
Love All.

I've decided to join the Conspiracy, and hopefully my whole family will. Will you?

[Thanks to Kellybelle for spreading the word!]

This item on CNN just caught my eye. It's about a court decision in Canada regarding commercial airlines' policy towards obese passengers, but it mentions a corollary that made me do a double-take:

The Supreme Court of Canada is upholding a regulatory ruling that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" have the right to occupy two airline seats on a flight for the price of one.

The ruling late last week said that airlines in Canada can no longer charge an obese passenger extra for an additional seat. The same goes for a disabled person who needs space for a wheelchair or who must be accompanied by an attendant.

Yowza! In the US the "space for a wheelchair" bit is already covered by the Air Carrier Access Act of 1990, but the only language about attendants is that the carrier can't force you to travel with an attendant except in very narrowly defined circumstances, in which case they can't charge you if you don't think you need the help (of course, the chances of someone wh falls into one of the categories the law mentions wanting or being physically capable of traveling solo are nada). But if you obviously do need help and "choose" to bring an attendant, you're on your own for the cost of the seat.

I've actually discussed this with flight attendants on slow flights, and apparently Southwest—the carrier of choice for gimps—has tried to draft a policy several times that would allow for free attendant travel, but they thus far have been unsuccessful at crafting a policy that's not opening them up to people looking to game the system. Completely understandable, but ultimately just an excuse.

But it looks like Canada either is taking this on legally, or it's already been on the books. Which is amazing. I haven't traveled internationally (unless you count south Georgia /grin), but it's my understanding that the transportation infrastructure of Western Europe and Australia is light-years ahead of ours in terms of accessibility. It's great to know that that progress has gotten to our borders … now a bunch of us just need to start filing lawsuits! (She says with glee …)

This is what happens when I'm running on 36 hours of nonstop pain, two sleepless nights, a ton of drugs that won't work, and end-of-the-semester stress:

A bacon cheeseburger with mayo and grilled mushrooms. And for dessert? Squares of a milk chocolate bar smeared with creamy Skippy peanut butter.

A fabulous new grassroots campaign for marriage equality awareness is in town: White Knot .org

The white knot is the new symbol for marriage equality. It takes two traditional symbols of marriage—white and tying the knot—and combines them in a simple way to show support for the right of gays and lesbians to marry. All loving couples deserve the same legal rights, benefits, and respect that civil marriage bestows.

Visibility is our goal. Whether you are gay or straight, please show your support by wearing the knot and telling people why you are wearing it. It may seem like a small thing, but imagine the white knot gaining the pervasiveness and instant recognition of the AIDS Ribbon.

Wear your white knot to work, to school, to your place of worship. Celebrities will be wearing white knots down red carpets this awards season. Together, we will keep the topic at the top of people's minds and keep the conversation going.

They have instructions for making your own knot (which … really? ok.), download-and-print fliers, website/email badges, and an email list, plus they allude to plans for a White Knot Day of ribbon solidarity.

I mock, but only a little. I actually think this is a great take on the whole ribbon thing. (Although I wonder if raising visibility through the red carpet is such a hot idea, given that "Hollywood elite liberals" are not exactly influential amongst the kind of people who are against marriage equality to begin with.)

Anyway, every little bit helps. So go pin a white knot to your shirt, and more importantly, tell people what it means and why it's so important.

Here are 13 randomly selected entries from this morning's page:

1. Don't forget to call Dr. P. for Rx and Dr. S. re: insurance
2. I thought it was supposed to be warmer today. WTF?
3. Dad's never going to catch up on this season of House.
4. I really should spend a little time on FaceBook reconnecting. Maybe a video to all my friends? That would be easy enough.
5. OMG! The semester is almost over. How on earth am I going to finish this all?
6. Find that site selling the Lamy 2k's for $89.
7. Is Minty going to be in town next week? Send an email.
8. "Unconventional Enterprises" has a nice ring
9. Wish I had some cash to splurge on the J. Crew sale … cashmere tees are way cheap (relatively)
10. I wonder if taking a grant-writing class would help me, career-wise?
11. Man, those temporalis muscles are freaking out today!
12. I wonder if there's a Tampa Bay chapter of Toastmasters?
13. I wish I could just take the day off and curl up with my Kindle and some baked potato soup.

In the space of a couple screen-inches, we have the following stories:

• Same-sex marriage rallies stretch across nation
• Buy a house, help couple get divorced
• We're divorced—you're not my friend

It's almost as if they're saying, "So, breeders, this is the sanctity you're trying to protect, huh? This is the sacred institution that gays will ruin? Because it kind of looks like you've already done that yourselves."

The Wheelchair Foundation has been doing this awesome work for years, but it's this kind of partnership with the consumer-goods-oriented private sector that has real potential to change the world. It's rather like Product RED in that respect: people are going to buy stuff anyway, so why not harness consumerism for good?

I've been struggling with my faith for years … nearly decades. To some extent it's been about my disability. But for the past few years, as I've begun to let those wounds heal, the struggle has been less about faith than about faith community. As I have felt myself opening up to the One again, I've found myself wanting—needing—to share the experience of the sacred with fellow travelers.

I was raised in the Catholic Church, and that tradition still resonates with me on an incredibly deep level. In terms of theology and Christology, I personally lean towards much more progressive teachings¹. I also believe, in the tradition of Zen Buddhism, that all is One². For me, participating in the ritual of Mass, relatively unchanged for centuries, celebrated by millions of people the world over, is a form of communion with the sacred that has nothing to do with the Pope or the Catechism.

But I haven't taken part in that communion for years now. Not because I don't want to—I do, deeply—but because, honestly, I'm scared, I'm angry, and I'm hurt.

A faith community should be a place of love, trust, and support, not of hatred and betrayal. I am terrified that I will return to the flock, establish relationships, and truly find a spiritual home, only to be shunned if I express my love for another woman (or, God forbid, actually want to marry one³).

I've found churches (the local UCC congregation, for example) where I feel very much welcomed and not judged in any way. But the ritual, the tradition … I need those things, too. My Catholicism is like my DNA … I didn't choose it (probably wouldn't have chosen it, if I had a say). It's broken in small but significant places. I can't ignore it. It doesn't determine everything, but it's still the blueprint, the foundation upon which I have to build my (spiritual) life.

And right now, at this moment, I feel the pain and brokeness of being betrayed by my foundation perhaps more than at any other time in my life. Last weekend I wanted to go to Mass, to offer thanks to the One who inspired our country to move beyond bigotry. But I couldn't do that, because that would mean communing with an expression of the One that, in fact, advocated bigotry in the form of active campaigning against the three ballot initiatives relating to gay marriage, including the one here in Florida.

It's difficult for me to separate faith from a faith community … that's part of the Catholic DNA. So to reconcile a faith that teaches equality and humility before the divine with a faith community that has aided in my becoming a second-class citizen … well, I can't reconcile the two. My heart is broken, and the place I have always turned for solace helped break it. God is love, and yet my love is spat upon in the name of God. The Church is the body of believers, and I am a living cell of that body, and yet the rest of the body would excise me, like a tumor.

Albert Low would say that this is a manifestation of the blessed wound, that existential ambiguity that—unresolved—is the source of violence, and that is healed (or at least soothed) with creativity. We, who proclaim to be made in the image of the Creator and so are inherently creative, have failed in our creativity, and spiritual violence has erupted.

I don't know where to turn now. I don't know if I can forgive. I don't know if I can trust. And yet, what else is there to do? My own experience tells me that disconnecting from the community in order to protect myself only causes more heartache.

I am simply at a loss, and lost.

[1] see Carter Heyward
² see Albert Low
³ applications still being accepted /grin

The album, When It's Only Me Standing, is a seven-track acoustic set. You can find it for download at the big three:

• Amazon
• eMusic
• iTunes

Enjoy!