an update
what's been going on, we haven't heard from you, what are you doing, where are you going?
i haven't answered these questions because
they seem to call for big answers
answers that fit together
answers that make sense
and i don't have many of those.
but i do: have friends
who love me
who don't care if the answers fit together
or make sense.
so if you want an update, and you're ok with it being what it is
(which is: fragmented, emotional, ambiguous, incomplete)
(and i hope you are, because i am those things too)
keep reading.
in four days i will be 29.
i am... a lot of things... about that.
i graduated a few weeks ago.
i now have my master's degree in
transformative leadership.
i grew a lot in that program,
but more importantly, i learned
how to grow.
i learned that i have, in the past, let
fear
and
perfectionism
paralyze me
(far more than any abnormality on the 5th chromosome).
i learned how to let go of
needing to be perfect
for other people
and instead be
good enough
for myself.
i started the program as a chronic procrastinator.
i turned in my final papers and projects a few days early.
i came up against my body's limitations
and realized that
(by necessity)
i will have to be creative in crafting a life that is both
meaningful
and
financially comfortable.
speaking of money:
i got my first real paycheck since college last month.
after the white house responded to me via youtube,
i was contacted by a consulting firm doing work for the social security administration
around helping college graduates with disabilities find employment.
they liked me. a lot.
so now i am working with them.
it's very part time right now,
but the networking?
fantastic.
it has been difficult for me to acknowledge/accept that
i have something to offer
and
people want to hear my voice.
but i'm working on stepping into that role.
stepping into the grown-up, respected, healthy, responsible me.
because, let's be honest here:
sitting on my ass doing nothing,
eating government cheese,
isolating myself,
not feeling,
is so much easier.
it is familiar.
it is comfortable.
it is not what 95% of me wants anymore, but
the other 5% has been acting out through my body
giving me built-in excuses.
learning when to step back to take care of myself,
not because i'm hiding,
is hard.
i've had so much pain lately.
then i had a double ear infection (a really awful one)
migraines
wicked allergies
difficult menstrual cycles
tooth extractions (three, three days ago).
all of this is legitimate
but some is my body giving voice to my 5% coward.
so i'm learning to listen ever more carefully
to my body
myself.
i've been exceptionally angry lately.
deep, dark, old anger.
i'm listening to that, too.
going forward?
who knows, really.
i will stay on this path of
being present
and
looking inward and outward.
new challenges will arise, and i will face them.
new joys will arise, and i will delight in them.
what else is there to life?
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